As my Mother beautifully explained it to me through a story, I've been working and trying to go as fast as I can and do everything for this school (as I am constantly face to face with the needs and sufferings and I am filled with compassion and the desire to do all it takes to help) that I've left my soul behind without any time to catch up. Because of that I've hit a wall the past few weeks and have been completely unable to do most things. Even getting out of bed has been a struggle and I have been slacking at completing my day to day duties for the past three weeks or so because of it. Overwhelmed and feeling completely inadequate and never doing enough for God, the students, or the school as a whole.
The biggest thing I struggle with is accepting God's love for me just as I am, doing nothing at all but being still and being His. I am all the time trying to measure up and be worthy of His love. Trying to "make amends" for my sins maybe... knowing how unworthy I am to be working in such a beautiful ministry surrounded by so much love and blessings - both here and coming from many people back home.
My spiritual, physical, and emotional health has been left behind and I've only been trying to "do" and not "be." Let me assure you that the latter should come first. And I know this, it's only hard for me to accept and sort of put into practice. And because I've neglected just being with my Beloved, I've felt dead and unable to move and do His work.
Be still and know that I am God (verse in Psalm 46). Has been the most meditative and important prayer for me for years. I've been neglecting it. If that makes sense?
He is so radically loving me that most times I don't even know what to do. I cannot explain how much He is in control of everything that happens at school and with me personally. Financial needs always being met somehow, me meeting the right people at the right time and making crazy connections, all the way to the very tiniest of things like simple laughter, hugs, and love shared between staff and children and myself. And even for myself, receiving creature comforts that aren't really missed but signs of His great love for me in small ways when they happen, especially when I was sick again in July (I want to write about all of that another time maybe as so much happened in those almost two weeks of being sick again.)
He has been so intensely pouring out His love in such a visible way to me everyday it can leave me with the feeling of being internally paralyzed because I struggle to accept it and I am being filled with such awe I can only cry and give Him praise. His love is so powerful, penetrating all corners of my heart and soul.
The fires of love are intense and painful.
Yesterday was the best day that I have had in a while. For the first time in a long time I breathed. I actually breathed. Deep relaxing breathes and quieting the noise of work, unworthiness, feelings to rush everything, my failings, my to do lists, etc., while listening to songs in Aramaic along with having times of complete quiet. I spent time with myself and didn't rush anything. I just breathed, stretched my body, and tried to Be still and know that He is God and all is okay!!
After that I was able to flow through my work at my home office and then go to school to continue planning for this week and closing up of the school for the three week holiday.
Although there has been struggles with staff and other things at school. Everyday, and especially yesterday I was able to focus and clerely see the beauty of each one of them. Broken as I am and in need of love and mercy. People who are receiving God's love and each on their own personal journey, yet in communion with us all. I wish they knew how gifted and beautiful they are and how much I, and the children, appreciate their dedicated and hard work each and everyday.
After all of the planning was done I was just with my kids, although they are not mine at all and I know this, I like to call them mine because they have certainly nuzzled their way so deep in my heart and I cannot love on them enough.
Kisses, hugs, play, Jesus, and sign language. Is there anything better?
The funnest part of our evening was the around two hours we spent doing typical village kid things. With no supplies on our hands we walked through our now think gardens, trees, and bushes finding things for making bow and arrows. Haha. It doesn't take them long at all.
So,they made their bows as I sharpened arrows for them and taught a few of the little ones how to do the same.
Then I drew a target on a tree and away they went!! Having competitions standing farther and farther back hitting the target. These kids amazed me.
It was so much fun. We all had so much fun. Pretending to battle each other (don't worry we play safe and the arrows are only small sticks gently sharpened) and running around everywhere. Shooting at the branches high in the trees, and of course continuing to hit the target so perfectly.
That was being. For all of us. Being with God in His love and joy.
Before we began to play I was even planning on going straight home to work on more things, but I am so glad I stayed.
As I walked out of my office I just starred at all of the children. Thinking again of when my Mother asked me "What makes you happiest? Do that thing." And well, playing with children make me the happiest. For those who know me, you know that I am a child at heart. I have been taking care of other peoples children since I was 13 and it is absolutely my favorite thing.
I stayed. My heart expanded and exploded with love. Bouncing on my lap, laughter, kisses, racing, soccer, silliness, and shooting. Before I knew it the sun was setting and everyone was going for bathing and I was getting on a boda to go back to Paidha where I stay.
I reached just in time for dinner. After dinner I came back to my room to notifications of three more monthly sponsors all at once!! Although I try not to fixate on money and I do trust Jesus will always provide what we need, its also something that is on my mind a lot. How could it not be? There are 30 children that without this money wouldn't be at St. Francis de Sales School for the Deaf, teachers wouldn't get paid, and we wont be able to continue on and receive more students in February, etc.
We have been praying to reach our goal of 30 more sponsors in 30 days and being able to come home to knowing were a little more closer to our goal brought me to tears.
We are still praying for 22 more sponsor in 15 days! Share our mission and join with us! Pray with us!
https://stfrancisdeafschool.com/become-a-sponsor/
https://web.facebook.com/stfrancisdeafschool/
God is so good, all the time.
All my love,
Rannah
