JUST BE

Lately I haven't really known whats been going on in a way. As if I've been watching myself from above, just watching.

As my Mother beautifully explained it to me through a story, I've been working and trying to go as fast as I can and do everything for this school (as I am constantly face to face with the needs and sufferings and I am filled with compassion and the desire to do all it takes to help) that I've left my soul behind without any time to catch up. Because of that I've hit a wall the past few weeks and have been completely unable to do most things. Even getting out of bed has been a struggle and I have been slacking at completing my day to day duties for the past three weeks or so because of it. Overwhelmed and feeling completely inadequate and never doing enough for God, the students, or the school as a whole.

The biggest thing I struggle with is accepting God's love for me just as I am, doing nothing at all but being still and being His. I am all the time trying to measure up and be worthy of His love. Trying to "make amends" for my sins maybe... knowing how unworthy I am to be working in such a beautiful ministry surrounded by so much love and blessings - both here and coming from many people back home.

My spiritual, physical, and emotional health has been left behind and I've only been trying to "do" and not "be." Let me assure you that the latter should come first. And I know this, it's only hard for me to accept and sort of put into practice. And because I've neglected just being with my Beloved, I've felt dead and unable to move and do His work.

Be still and know that I am God (verse in Psalm 46). Has been the most meditative and important prayer for me for years. I've been neglecting it. If that makes sense?

He is so radically loving me that most times I don't even know what to do. I cannot explain how much He is in control of everything that happens at school and with me personally. Financial needs always being met somehow, me meeting the right people at the right time and making crazy connections, all the way to the very tiniest of things like simple laughter, hugs, and love shared between staff and children and myself. And even for myself, receiving creature comforts that aren't really missed but signs of His great love for me in small ways when they happen, especially when I was sick again in July (I want to write about all of that another time maybe as so much happened in those almost two weeks of being sick again.)

He has been so intensely pouring out His love in such a visible way to me everyday it can leave me with the feeling of being internally paralyzed because I struggle to accept it and I am being filled with such awe I can only cry and give Him praise. His love is so powerful, penetrating all corners of my heart and soul.

The fires of love are intense and painful.

Yesterday was the best day that I have had in a while. For the first time in a long time I breathed. I actually breathed. Deep relaxing breathes and quieting the noise of work, unworthiness, feelings to rush everything, my failings, my to do lists, etc., while listening to songs in Aramaic along with having times of complete quiet. I spent time with myself and didn't rush anything. I just breathed, stretched my body, and tried to Be still and know that He is God and all is okay!!

After that I was able to flow through my work at my home office and then go to school to continue planning for this week and closing up of the school for the three week holiday.

Although there has been struggles with staff and other things at school. Everyday, and especially yesterday I was able to focus and clerely see the beauty of each one of them. Broken as I am and in need of love and mercy. People who are receiving God's love and each on their own personal journey, yet in communion with us all. I wish they knew how gifted and beautiful they are and how much I, and the children, appreciate their dedicated and hard work each and everyday.

After all of the planning was done I was just with my kids, although they are not mine at all and I know this, I like to call them mine because they have certainly nuzzled their way so deep in my heart and I cannot love on them enough.

Kisses, hugs, play, Jesus, and sign language. Is there anything better?

The funnest part of our evening was the around two hours we spent doing typical village kid things. With no supplies on our hands we walked through our now think gardens, trees, and bushes finding things for making bow and arrows. Haha. It doesn't take them long at all.

So,they made their bows as I sharpened arrows for them and taught a few of the little ones how to do the same.

Then I drew a target on a tree and away they went!! Having competitions standing farther and farther back hitting the target. These kids amazed me.

It was so much fun. We all had so much fun. Pretending to battle each other (don't worry we play safe and the arrows are only small sticks gently sharpened) and running around everywhere. Shooting at the branches high in the trees, and of course continuing to hit the target so perfectly.

That was being. For all of us. Being with God in His love and joy.

Before we began to play I was even planning on going straight home to work on more things, but I am so glad I stayed.

As I walked out of my office I just starred at all of the children. Thinking again of when my Mother asked me "What makes you happiest? Do that thing." And well, playing with children make me the happiest. For those who know me, you know that I am a child at heart. I have been taking care of other peoples children since I was 13 and it is absolutely my favorite thing.

I stayed. My heart expanded and exploded with love. Bouncing on my lap, laughter, kisses, racing, soccer, silliness, and shooting. Before I knew it the sun was setting and everyone was going for bathing and I was getting on a boda to go back to Paidha where I stay.

I reached just in time for dinner. After dinner I came back to my room to notifications of three more monthly sponsors all at once!! Although I try not to fixate on money and I do trust Jesus will always provide what we need, its also something that is on my mind a lot. How could it not be? There are 30 children that without this money wouldn't be at St. Francis de Sales School for the Deaf, teachers wouldn't get paid, and we wont be able to continue on and receive more students in February, etc.

We have been praying to reach our goal of 30 more sponsors in 30 days and being able to come home to knowing were a little more closer to our goal brought me to tears.

We are still praying for 22 more sponsor in 15 days! Share our mission and join with us! Pray with us!

https://stfrancisdeafschool.com/become-a-sponsor/

https://web.facebook.com/stfrancisdeafschool/

God is so good, all the time.

All my love,

Rannah

"No my child, everything you'll need will come from me."

I was honestly not entirely ready to come back to Uganda and finding out my spiritual director and basically the best friend I have in Uganda is in the States didn’t help either. Fr. Pat, COME BACK SOON! 

I have been in Kampala, the capital, since I arrived a little over a week ago. Until today I’ve been too sick to travel or do much of anything. Woo! I have been so graciously and lovingly cared for by Holy Cross Priests and Brothers. I am incredibly thankful and beyond blessed to stay in such a wonderful place in the big city and not have to worry about anything. Brother Patrick has been checking on me and making sure I am “breathing” every day. He gave me a swift kick of humility in allowing to be cared for and knowing that it is ridiculous of me to feel like a burden. “You are way more important than my stupid emails.” His statement before driving me to the supermarket for crackers and juice.

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The past four and a half months have been absolutely crazy, wonderful, beyond difficult, and joyful. I don’t know if I have fully absorbed all that has happened. Despite many difficulties and road blocks, there has been an incredible amount of positive growth and development at St. Francis de Sales School for The Deaf. I am amazed at all God has done. I am amazed at the development and behavioral change of our students. The government’s inspection and approval of our school was a huge surprise for me. While I saw so many things as unfinished, messy, and in need of improvement, the inspector was surprised and amazed and about many things: our overall cleanliness, health of the students, nourishment (especially knowing how many came to us very malnourished), and care that they were receiving. Everyone knows Deaf children don’t often receive the care that they need.

We now have fields and gardens growing many things, electricity and solar energy, a water system that is mostly complete (water is a very difficult thing in our area), and many renovations/building that has taken place and some that are still happening.

I’ve had incredible experiences with God’s Divine Providence both on ground working/ doing the impossible and through our donors. Times of “how in the world will we pay for this, there’s no more money” and only moments later where some beautiful soul sends the exact amount of money needed for what was needed at the time, whether is be to feed the kids for another week, buy new clothes, fix the water, or hold us off for the next weeks. Two people in particular come to mind who have no idea how much they, through their openness and generosity, in actuality, saved us during the most crucial (perfect) times. Each of them at a different time without a clue of what they had done. I was so incredibly blessed to be able to hug most of these people while visiting the States in May. 

Most times I am left speechless with tears boiling from my heart – how can I express to them what they’ve done?

Before I ever came to Uganda I would give money to a certain ministry located in Jinja, Uganda. Each month receiving the “thank you’s” and short stories. But until coming here and seeing for myself what is really happening on the ground, before working in this small village with 29 kids to care for, a school to run, and lives that are changing before my eyes, I never really understood the impact the seemingly small $25 a month was doing. Let me tell you, it is incredible.

People praise me for me work, thank me for all I do, and tell me I’m incredible. Let me tell you something: I am weak, I am a failure, I procrastinate everything, and for the past few months have been struggling in my spiritual life. Most every day I have no clue what I am doing here, only the direction He wants me to go in. I do nothing – God does EVERYTHING. I cannot express that enough or explain the reality of that.

You are incredible.

You – the one who prays for me every day and prays for our school. You – the one who encourages me from an ocean away. You – the one who works 8-5 everyday, manages a household, a family, college, your own bills, stressful life and hardships along with joyous occasions and praises to God, and in the evenings somehow remembers us in Uganda and sends a donation our way. You – who every month gives some of your tithe to our school and to myself. Helping to change the lives of children and young adults you’ve never met so they may eat another day, not have to walk a mile for water, receive a language, an education, love, care, and JESUS. And not to mention all you do for me. Making it possible for me to live here, work here, buy peanut butter, internet, and every season of The Office.

I think the biggest part of my job is to mediate between the incredible people at my Parish in my small town of Canyon, Texas along with my friends and family, and St. Francis de Sales School for the Deaf in the small village of Nyapea, Uganda; seeing that things develop and grow according to God’s plan in an honest and self-giving way.

Just a small child, crazy in love with Jesus, and doing her best to follow His will.

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On more of a personal and vulnerable note, the past three months have been some of the most difficult months of my life. Incredible loneliness, heartache, over working, spiritual dryness and desolation, physical pain, and, more recently, sickness.

I am choosing to write about this because I have more recently come to the realization that as painful and awkward as it can be, sometimes vulnerability in the hardships of life and honesty with every aspect of what I do here is so healing and good. Why? It not only takes away my pride and twisted falseness of trying to live up to (and portray) an unrealistic and fake idea that I have previously had in my head of being a “Missionary” where everything is bubbly and beautiful, full of smiles and “I love black babies and Jesus” and it allows people to know the reality – all aspects – of what living in Uganda, being a missionary, and working here is actually like. Most importantly allows people to pray for specific intentions in regards to myself, my work, our school, and our children.

I had a very big problem with taking on too much and overworking. Overworking physically and mentally. Which was incredibly unhealthy, prideful, and selfish. Selfish in getting in the way of the Holy Spirit working the way He MUST. Prideful in thinking “it’s up to me” and forgetting that everything and everyone is God’s and He doesn’t at all need me. And unhealthy because I began to neglect caring for myself – physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Neglecting prayer is the worst thing for me and for all. I am His (we all are His) and He simply wants to be with me and love me – I need to receive that love. I am nothing if not living for Him. In order to live with Him I must be in communion with Him, and make an effort to set aside time to be with Him each day – whether it be through prayer, reading, or simply sitting before the Blessed Sacrament soaking up His love and goodness. This goes along with eating (things other than grasshoppers and white ants) and getting away every now and then to rest. Something my pride never let me do.

April was the toughest. Although so much beauty and joy was all around me and every day I could clearly recognize God’s hand in everything – especially with St. Francis’ School. I myself was suffocating – feeling abandoned and alone, longing to go home to Texas. Again, I neglected myself and my needs.

My only prayer was reading poetry from a hermit and my dearest spiritual companion, my only consolation was the voice of my mother, and my only escape was running miles through the village hills. These three things were so beautiful. Having been somehow “revived” from my recent month in the States things have cleared up – so many things. I am able to look back and thank God for the hardships and breakdowns. I’m currently brought to tears at His goodness. There is so much I didn’t understand and still don’t but He always, always, work things for our good. He had been doing that this whole time I just couldn’t see it.

He allowed me to be broken down more, emptied out, and brought to what I felt was absolute nothing, only to bring me closer to Him. Jesus is showing me that only He can fill every part of my heart. God is slowly (and always has been and will be) bringing me to simply be His little child. The Holy Spirit removing my pride and selfish intentions so that He may breathe and work more fully, gently, through me.

This is a journey I (and all of us) will always be on and I am thankful for it. I long to abide in His peace, and for this I must let go and trust. Trust that whatever I am doing in Uganda is taken care of by Him – however long I am here, whatever the work, and anything with our school all belongs to Him and should be carried out in His providential timing.

I am so incredibly thankful for all of the friends I was able to see and spend time with while in America, although I didn’t get a chance to see everyone. I cannot express how much I needed that time! Being with my family was more than beautiful. My little brother and sister aren’t little anymore, but incredible young adults and possibly God’s coolest creation. My nieces, nephews, and God children are growing so quick, changing, and becoming more beautiful each day. More than any other time I felt more connected and real with friends from my Parish, my Parish priest, and St. Francis’ donors.

Oh, I'd like to mention - this whole “growing up and moving away from mom” thing is bananas, I’d like to hang out with her every day.

All my love, in Jesus

Hello February

This morning I went to Mass followed by Adoration. Christ no doubt filled me with the grace to take on today, the awareness to work in love and in joy, and give thanks to Him.

I just like to say a few (or many) things...

Our matron, Justine, is absolutely amazing. Her work ethic and joy in everything she does is something I have never seen before! She cares for all of our children so well. Sleeps with them, bathes the littles, cleans up everything imaginable, washes clothes and sheets, walks for water for the little ones, takes them to the hospital, and so much more. Today I was just amazed at everything she accomplished throughout the day.

This afternoon Ismael had been sleeping for a couple of hours in an unusual spot. But as funny and odd as he is it didn't seem too unusual. At one point though, I looked over and his whole body was shaking. I ran over and he felt as hot as the sun. His body shaking and shaking. Justine came over and picked him up and the moment she did he threw up many many times. In the smoothest and quickest way she undressed him, washed him up, gave him new clothes and took him to the hospital (which is conveniently right next door!). Prayers for little Ismael! He doesn't have malaria, just high fever and vomiting. He is being treated accordingly.

Our kids are getting more used to being here and learning to enjoy - learning! Last week we had 11 wonder/run off campus, four refused at least one meal, two of the older ones had to be chased down by myself, one tried hitting a teacher, and others crying for parents. But this week we have already seen so much improvement and change of behavior! Their signs are picking up quickly and it's both wonderful and amazing to see..They are running around playful and getting used to the routine. Today was a public holiday but there was no way of explaining that to our kids and they are all now way to anxious to be in the classroom. We taught for half the time, had a long break, and after lunch we colored for a really long time! I was amazed how focused and happy each child was to color. I will most likely have to buy more crayons next week!

Things have been crazy and I've never been more busy or thankful for the business. Due to circumstances that are out of my hands I am not yet able to sleep at the school or the parish near the school. Every morning I travel on a boda (motorcycle) to school and every late evening I come home. Everyday I bring my paper work to school, and sometimes my laptop, in the laughable attempt that I will have time to organize, write documents, and respond to emails. And everyday I end up getting home late without any of that done. And when that happens, like now for example, I can easily forget all that happens in the day and feel like a failure instead. But little by little it will get done. Slowly by slowly as they say here..

I am overwhelmed and amazed at everything. How far God has brought us and how everything keeps continuing and growing when it all seems impossible. There's no doubt that God and my mother have kept me alive through all of this. We are going through so many transitions at school in every area it seems. And everyday I am learning more and more about the Alur people - sometimes good things and sometimes bad/difficult things.

I am more then thankful for the prayers that I know are coming from many people and the encouraging messages and phone calls from friends and family. I am also in awe of the donations that keep coming in...that allow St. Francis de Sales School for the Deaf to continue another day.
Please pray for the 29 kiddos we have, for our staff, for our water issue to be solved, for good health to everyone (especially these little ones who have been getting very sick), the funds to continue on and expand, the grace to teach/to learn, the safety for us all, and for myself - for an increased prayer life and that I may always serve in love united with Him.

Thank you, God bless you